Most people who knows me knows that I’ve been deciding whether I should be pursuing a Ph.D. degree for quite some time now (well.. more than two years). Since I was a little kid, I’ve always wanted to try to go as far and to learn as much as possible. For some reasons, I lost sight of that vision after I graduated from college and got a job. It’s amazing how independent random events (um… most likely not iid) in life can intertwine and suddenly make you realize what you goals are. I must have talked to at least ten different individuals, each from different backgrounds: professors, current Ph.D. students, ex-Ph.D. students, coworkers, friends, parents; and each and every one of them were able to provide invaluable insights based on their points of view. Of course, in the end, it’s me that has to make the decision. This is my life that I’m holding in the palms of my hands. For a while, I felt tired of all the struggles I have to go through as a student. More and more friends leave school and start working, earning money, and have their own family. I guess a part of me felt lonely, and wanted to have all those as well, which is when things started to crumble. I started to look too far into the future. I tried to fulfill a dream that was not necessarily mine, but were forced into me through my own wicked mind. Through a chain of random (or not?) events, and here I am, back on track and determined to pursue my original objective.

I guess things were complicated because I was trying to find out where I would be, and what I would be doing five or ten years from now. In my own ways, I was trying to make my decisions by trying to optimize the costs and benefits of every little things, which inevitably led to explosion of the problem. It’s funny how I always tell people around me that they should not dwell in the past nor try to live in the future, but fail to heed my own advice. It wasn’t until I talked to my mom that I realized that I was doing exactly that, and surely it was slowly eating me away. So, this is what I will be doing from now. I will live in the present.. and try to make the best out of every moment. I might not know where I will be or what I will do five years from now, but at least I know that I will be happy at what I will be doing… well.. if I get accepted into a Ph.D. program.. that is. But whatever the outcome is, I will know that I have already tried.

As with anything in life, be it trying out a new sport, dining at a new restaurant, or getting to know someone.. the least you could do is to try things out. You will never know what would or could have happened if you did not. One day you may look back at your life and wonder where the road you didn’t take could have taken you.. All roads lead to Rome, but you will never get there if you don’t take it… and you only have a hundred years to live… so let’s live it…

Just a chain of, perhaps, unorganized and random thoughts….